I read two memoirs recently which helped me learn something else: it's important for a writer to take care where they leave the reader.
Memoirs can go through some dark, heavy things. But I contend that the memoir shouldn't be written if it doesn't have at least SOME sort of closure at the end. Not that everything can be topped with a neat and tidy bow...but at the very least show how you've come to peace even in the untidiness of it all.
Always grateful for your posts, and for the way you leave me as a reader!
This is such an essential point about taking a posture of care toward readers. What is catharsis and closure for the writer might be received as quite triggering and unsettling for the reader. Thanks for noting that!
I'm still in the stage of personal, not universal. I appreciate your input as planting a seed that may grow in my stories without much help from me. The prayer reminded me again that only God is perfect. How wonderful those Persian rug weavers must have been to feel the need to put a mistake in the weave intentionally. Those mistakes are another thing that will happen without my help!
This is great! I'd love a close reading of different books. It would be helpful to see your editor's notes on what working as well as suggestions towards the three movements. I'd also love examples of the private vs. public drafts. We need it all! I guess you have to do an online course on memoir ;)
Thank you, Stephanie! I'm so curious which memoir you set aside, LOL, but I know that's beside the point, or in this case, the three great points you made! I also had a recent disappointing memoir-read, but many others loved it. Can it be that a story resonates with some readers who've experienced similar life events, but not with those who haven't?
Still, that doesn't explain why I loved All My Knotted-Up Life (Beth Moore), Will the Circle Be Unbroken (Sean Dietrich), and The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls)...as the authors' life events are completely different from mine, but they still resonated. I guess they must have used the three principles you outline! Now...I need to go back to my manuscript and see if I have. Thanks!
That is certainly a valid theory. I love the examples you cited and I think they resonate because they speak powerfully to the human themes we share, even through the first-person I. Either way, connecting with your reader through your own story is an art form for sure!
Stephanie, what are some of your favorite memoirs that do this? I'd love to hear from the readers here as well.
I personally really love:
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (It mirrors my early trauma and the impact on voice).
Crazy Brave by Joy Harjo (It is a lyrical telling of the power of music and poetry and how it saves us).
The Shining Affliction by Annie Rogers (It is such an underrated memoir, but it gave me a deep understanding of "the unsayable" and the trauma that lives within our bodies).
In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (It offers such a brilliant and creative structure for storytelling).
This is such a good list! Thank you. Some more recent favorites in the past few years (as I have read them, not as they have released):
Know My Name by Chanel Miller is stunning.
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp a powerful case study in how a strongly first-person leading narrative can hold so much wisdom and transference to a wide spectrum of readers. There is no direct address of the reader in this book, and yet it makes generous space for them to find themselves in the universal themes, if not the particulars of addiction and sobriety.
Not classically memoir, but certainly personal narrative--I learn so much from following along and underlining Katherine May's work.
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is an excellent telling of healing and hope you can believe, through layers of discovery and the zig-zag of recovery that is honestly told.
I love Dani Shapiro's memoirs and the way they weave in and out of her story and the human story, the space-making feels very intentional and crafted.
I could go on! Would love to hear favorites from others!
I love Foo and Miller’s memoirs as well, and How go Stay Married (mentioned by someone else), manages to induce laughter and tears on every page. I’ve never seen anyone do metaphor as well or as much as him! My most recent favorite memoir was You Could Make This Place Beautiful. Educated, Wild, and Eat, Pray, Love are 3 of my long-time favorites.
All right, deep memoir nerding here, but thought you both would appreciate it--as I am digging into Drinking: A Love Story---I kept wondering if I had read it, but then I realized that Caroline was best buds with Gail Caldwell, and Let's Take the Long Way Home, which I mentioned as one of my all time favs, is the story of their friendship and Caroline's death. This is a testimony to the power of a good memoir, because I felt like I already knew Caroline but had no idea why. Anyway, thanks for the rec!
Ooh, fun! Thanks for this list, Megan. I'll have to check them out.
I really love Let's Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell -- such a powerful story of ordinary friendship. Just starting How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key, and it is drawing me in, which is always a good sign.
Thought of one more - Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She tells a dual story of being in therapy while being a therapist. Really well done.
Also, I've been poking around your Substack and I love what you are doing. So intrigued to learn more--I love using creativity for the healing process. Excited about your book too!
Thank you for sharing openly and generously with us, Stephanie! When I think of the memoirs I love most, they are stories that most transformed my thinking and thus my life. Surprised by Oxford, Miracles & Other Reasonable Things, A Severe Mercy. They are all deeply personal yet lift my gaze upward and outward into the world — and into the Father’s heart. Will be chewing on these words while I write. 🧡
This is absolutely spot on. Its so easy to share a diary piece and not the perspective that comes with it "Speak from the scar, not the wound" as they say. Rings true for writing too
Stephanie, wow, thank you! As someone deep in the throes of the thousandth edit to a memoir and a proposal, this was a really helpful guide for me to think through.
I'm revising a poetry manuscript and will take the Three Movements back to the desk with me.
These ideas resonate with a description I read this morning of Caravaggio's ‘The Supper at Emmaus.' Dr Chloë Reddaway calls this painting a "recognition event."
And that's exactly the kind of movement the best poems and memoirs make--we see the truth of our own stories.
"...we... the pronoun you love most." GAH! So so so good, Stephanie. As always, thank you for sharing your heart and your insight with us. In a Slant Letter from long ago, you once gave the tip of using "we" instead of "you" when writing, and I have taken that to heart and put it into practice since the day you suggested it. It's truly made all the difference when thinking about bringing my reader in and having my story become our story.
I published my first book - a memoir - in 2022, and the greatest compliment I receive always sounds something like: "Infertility isn't my story, but I resonated so deeply with everything you wrote." It answers one of my biggest prayers for the book, a prayer I included in the introduction: "Simply put, my hope for this book is that you would see your story in mine, whether the details are very similar or very different. My hope is that this part of my journey of getting to know God would encourage you to look for the ways he wants to be known by you. Right now, right here, right where you are—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually."
I'm so happy to hear that this has stayed with you, and I hope supported you in your own work! What a beautiful thing for your story to speak to others, across unshared experiences.
This is so helpful. I will try to add this to my writing. I resonated with so much, but this quote stood out because of something I recently wrote, “going deep in yourself to go deep with your reader,” and the idea that readers underline what makes them feel seen. I needed that translated for me as a reader/writer! So so helpful.
Loved reading your words on memoir! Very helpful!
I read two memoirs recently which helped me learn something else: it's important for a writer to take care where they leave the reader.
Memoirs can go through some dark, heavy things. But I contend that the memoir shouldn't be written if it doesn't have at least SOME sort of closure at the end. Not that everything can be topped with a neat and tidy bow...but at the very least show how you've come to peace even in the untidiness of it all.
Always grateful for your posts, and for the way you leave me as a reader!
This is such an essential point about taking a posture of care toward readers. What is catharsis and closure for the writer might be received as quite triggering and unsettling for the reader. Thanks for noting that!
I'm still in the stage of personal, not universal. I appreciate your input as planting a seed that may grow in my stories without much help from me. The prayer reminded me again that only God is perfect. How wonderful those Persian rug weavers must have been to feel the need to put a mistake in the weave intentionally. Those mistakes are another thing that will happen without my help!
And the personal matters too! All part of the process :) I hope this shed some light for your way.
I loved this essay, Stephanie! I am going to share it with my memoir-writing clients today. :)
Also, thanks for the share of my recent post. I appreciate it.
I loved what you wrote! "Writing through..." is just it.
:)
This is great! I'd love a close reading of different books. It would be helpful to see your editor's notes on what working as well as suggestions towards the three movements. I'd also love examples of the private vs. public drafts. We need it all! I guess you have to do an online course on memoir ;)
It would be weird to publish a public draft without doing the private one first! Both vital! Thanks Jackie, as always.
Yes, makes sense. Also, I kept thinking of your Lent floral dreams when I was writing this ;) https://jackieknapp.substack.com/p/the-bright-sadness-of-spring
Thank you, Stephanie! I'm so curious which memoir you set aside, LOL, but I know that's beside the point, or in this case, the three great points you made! I also had a recent disappointing memoir-read, but many others loved it. Can it be that a story resonates with some readers who've experienced similar life events, but not with those who haven't?
Still, that doesn't explain why I loved All My Knotted-Up Life (Beth Moore), Will the Circle Be Unbroken (Sean Dietrich), and The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls)...as the authors' life events are completely different from mine, but they still resonated. I guess they must have used the three principles you outline! Now...I need to go back to my manuscript and see if I have. Thanks!
That is certainly a valid theory. I love the examples you cited and I think they resonate because they speak powerfully to the human themes we share, even through the first-person I. Either way, connecting with your reader through your own story is an art form for sure!
Stephanie, what are some of your favorite memoirs that do this? I'd love to hear from the readers here as well.
I personally really love:
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (It mirrors my early trauma and the impact on voice).
Crazy Brave by Joy Harjo (It is a lyrical telling of the power of music and poetry and how it saves us).
The Shining Affliction by Annie Rogers (It is such an underrated memoir, but it gave me a deep understanding of "the unsayable" and the trauma that lives within our bodies).
In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (It offers such a brilliant and creative structure for storytelling).
This is such a good list! Thank you. Some more recent favorites in the past few years (as I have read them, not as they have released):
Know My Name by Chanel Miller is stunning.
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp a powerful case study in how a strongly first-person leading narrative can hold so much wisdom and transference to a wide spectrum of readers. There is no direct address of the reader in this book, and yet it makes generous space for them to find themselves in the universal themes, if not the particulars of addiction and sobriety.
Not classically memoir, but certainly personal narrative--I learn so much from following along and underlining Katherine May's work.
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is an excellent telling of healing and hope you can believe, through layers of discovery and the zig-zag of recovery that is honestly told.
I love Dani Shapiro's memoirs and the way they weave in and out of her story and the human story, the space-making feels very intentional and crafted.
I could go on! Would love to hear favorites from others!
Oooh, I love these too! Chanel Miller's is so brutifully gorgeous, and I recommend Drinking: A Love Story to all my memoir-writing clients.
I loved hearing your list and want to go and reread all these! :)
I love Foo and Miller’s memoirs as well, and How go Stay Married (mentioned by someone else), manages to induce laughter and tears on every page. I’ve never seen anyone do metaphor as well or as much as him! My most recent favorite memoir was You Could Make This Place Beautiful. Educated, Wild, and Eat, Pray, Love are 3 of my long-time favorites.
Loved Maggie Smith’s and the way she broke so many “rules” in style!
All right, deep memoir nerding here, but thought you both would appreciate it--as I am digging into Drinking: A Love Story---I kept wondering if I had read it, but then I realized that Caroline was best buds with Gail Caldwell, and Let's Take the Long Way Home, which I mentioned as one of my all time favs, is the story of their friendship and Caroline's death. This is a testimony to the power of a good memoir, because I felt like I already knew Caroline but had no idea why. Anyway, thanks for the rec!
Ooh, fun! Thanks for this list, Megan. I'll have to check them out.
I really love Let's Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell -- such a powerful story of ordinary friendship. Just starting How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key, and it is drawing me in, which is always a good sign.
Nice! I haven't read these. Thanks for sharing.
Thought of one more - Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She tells a dual story of being in therapy while being a therapist. Really well done.
Also, I've been poking around your Substack and I love what you are doing. So intrigued to learn more--I love using creativity for the healing process. Excited about your book too!
Loved Maybe You Should Talk to Someone!
Thank you for sharing openly and generously with us, Stephanie! When I think of the memoirs I love most, they are stories that most transformed my thinking and thus my life. Surprised by Oxford, Miracles & Other Reasonable Things, A Severe Mercy. They are all deeply personal yet lift my gaze upward and outward into the world — and into the Father’s heart. Will be chewing on these words while I write. 🧡
This is such a good memoir list! And shows various styles as the genre has evolved across time. Thanks for sharing!
This is perhaps the most helpful guidance I’ve read on memoir, which is also my favorite genre (to read and to write). Thank you!
Honored! I love it so much that I hold it to a high standard :)
Please tell us the title of one of your favorites, if you feel comfortable doing so.
This is absolutely spot on. Its so easy to share a diary piece and not the perspective that comes with it "Speak from the scar, not the wound" as they say. Rings true for writing too
Rings true indeed!
Great points. A well written memoir is my favorite. Stories can be so powerful.
Stephanie, wow, thank you! As someone deep in the throes of the thousandth edit to a memoir and a proposal, this was a really helpful guide for me to think through.
So glad it found you at the right time! You're in the thick of it then. Hope this helps!
I'm revising a poetry manuscript and will take the Three Movements back to the desk with me.
These ideas resonate with a description I read this morning of Caravaggio's ‘The Supper at Emmaus.' Dr Chloë Reddaway calls this painting a "recognition event."
And that's exactly the kind of movement the best poems and memoirs make--we see the truth of our own stories.
Honored to be at your desk! Oh I love that--a "recognition event." That's wonderful. Thank you for sharing!
Loving every bit of these insights. Thank you, Stephanie!
Thank you for reading! One of my favorite conversations :)
"...we... the pronoun you love most." GAH! So so so good, Stephanie. As always, thank you for sharing your heart and your insight with us. In a Slant Letter from long ago, you once gave the tip of using "we" instead of "you" when writing, and I have taken that to heart and put it into practice since the day you suggested it. It's truly made all the difference when thinking about bringing my reader in and having my story become our story.
I published my first book - a memoir - in 2022, and the greatest compliment I receive always sounds something like: "Infertility isn't my story, but I resonated so deeply with everything you wrote." It answers one of my biggest prayers for the book, a prayer I included in the introduction: "Simply put, my hope for this book is that you would see your story in mine, whether the details are very similar or very different. My hope is that this part of my journey of getting to know God would encourage you to look for the ways he wants to be known by you. Right now, right here, right where you are—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually."
So grateful for you, Stephanie!
I'm so happy to hear that this has stayed with you, and I hope supported you in your own work! What a beautiful thing for your story to speak to others, across unshared experiences.
This is so helpful. I will try to add this to my writing. I resonated with so much, but this quote stood out because of something I recently wrote, “going deep in yourself to go deep with your reader,” and the idea that readers underline what makes them feel seen. I needed that translated for me as a reader/writer! So so helpful.
I love to hear what you're "underlining," thank you for sharing that!
Thank you for this, Stephanie! Really appreciate you taking the time. :)